If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
