I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize