I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
