the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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