Your face is a jimmy john
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize