i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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