I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Randomize
