doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Are my feet made of real feet?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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