if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
