Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
