My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
