Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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