that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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