one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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