Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
