His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
