I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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