so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize