I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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