can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
