He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
