Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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