The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize