is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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