You really coming over, don't trick.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
