I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
