Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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