Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
