That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
