I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize