Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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