just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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