never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize