Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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