cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
