my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You are the jesus of drinking
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Randomize