if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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