then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
