how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
