I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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