Umm I'm too high to move.
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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