I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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