He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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