she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
