She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize