Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
