and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
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