Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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