I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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