He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
