If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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