I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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