Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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