Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
