sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
